A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.