A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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you gotta be faster
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?