Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.