Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.