Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.