a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I love twitter
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Monica just destroyed the internet
