A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
We made a comic about a space heater.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.