Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.