A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.