“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous