A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
me doing my best
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Beware…..
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.