Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…