A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
thats my bad
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
😩😩😩
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.