A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”