A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I need to get some bricks…
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
the duality of man
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?