Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.