Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

North and South

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

why would tinder want me to say this

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills