Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

let’s discuss

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us