A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳