A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.