Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

What flavor cupcake are these

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?