[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe