Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?