A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in