Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*