A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
You Might Also Like
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits