Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Me when my alarm goes off

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.