Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.