Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn something every day

Lube but for my dry humor.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this