A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
