A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
fired
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
