a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo