Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

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her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

the Monday after daylight savings