Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

dril cadence

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.