a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.