a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me