a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My Sentiments Exactly
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign