Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?