It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
It’s common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.