@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

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@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@canadasandra

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@thatUPSdude

It’s common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.

@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.