[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣