I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank
COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them
me: my hot water doesn’t work
landlord: not my domain
firelord: nor mine
waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS
me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work
waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”