A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!