A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
i dont have time for this
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx