a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
his wife is probably gonna see that
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars