a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”