Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

don’t be scared

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Wolves should really raise more people.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

79.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?