Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

WHO DID THIS?