“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife