A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
🙀🙀🙀😹
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.