A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
You Might Also Like
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT