A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
You Might Also Like
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
thanks auntie mary
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.