Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination