Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Oh my god

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.