A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Covid like
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter