A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
This kid will have a bright future.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Just this preview of the story is enough
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair