[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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