Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight