A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
You Might Also Like
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you