A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
You Might Also Like
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.