A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Got a light
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Voting is the worst group project
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations