A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
What a year we’ve had this week.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?