A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My age is news to me every single time I remember
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland