A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Single worst piece of software ever invented
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Hank is one in a melon.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
my professor scared me for a second
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”