Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Cool shirt 🙂

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be