A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
B