Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad