A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Any refunds available?…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.