A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
You Might Also Like
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?