A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes