a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco