Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat