A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Fries, not lies.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it