A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
decorating my apartment
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink