Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Twitter fine art

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.