@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

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@beefman138

*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.

@ShutUpThatsWho

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

@TheMichaelRock

Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@heyitsJudeD

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@T_Bonezzz

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground