A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good