*At Railway station
Me : Can I get a return ticket please?
Station attendant : Where to?
Me : Here.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Wanna have a little fun?
Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”
Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground