A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

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*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.


COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38


Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh


me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again


If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m


If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground